Untold Stories of Gods and Heroes | Uranus and His Kids

 Listen and read the story of creation according to Greek mythology as never before. With Gaea, Uranus and Kronos as the main characters in this story with the hilarious dialogue, you will enjoy this story and learn what really happened on that day when Kronos castrated his father, Uranus. 

Audio Podcast

Uranus and His Kids

In the Palace

In a palace made of stars, Uranus’ swagger never faltered, especially these days as he had hired a biographer, for he felt his life was full of stories that needed to be preserved for posterity, although he never let any of his kids out of their mother’s womb except for the cyclops whom he banished into the depths of Tartarus.

 “He wandered gloriously in the moonlight, naked for all to see and wonder how they came to be, his great...” Uranus said to the biographer who was busy taking dictation.

“What the hell are you talking about? Why did you hire this fool, anyway?” Gaea said as she entered the big hall from a big hatch in the middle of the room.

“Calm down, woman. I was just telling my little friend here... What was your name again?” Uranus asked the biographer.

“My name is Hesiod, your majesty. My mother gave me that name after...”

“Hesiod, my dear. Look at me. Do you really think that I give a damn about who gave you that ugly name. I was just trying to be polite in front of my wife.” Uranus said to Hesiod then he continued talking to Gaea.

“My dear. I was just telling our little friend here, Hesibor.”

“It’s Hesiod, your majesty.”

Uranus did not seem to be too pleased with being interrupted.

”Look, Hesiball. Interrupt me one more time, and I will send you straight into my wife’s womb to be in the gracious company of my cute little kids. They are called the titans, but do not be afraid. I’m sure you will like them. I’ll shove you inside myself.”

Hesiod was trembling like a leaf when he felt a gentle hand as if made of leaves touching his shoulder, then he heard a soft and sweet voice whispering in his ears.

“Don’t worry, my dear. He’s just too proud of his genitals. I’ll see to that. Anyway, nothing you should concern yourself with. Why don’t you go outside and take a break? I need to speak to my husband alone.” Gaea said.

“Whatever you command, your majesty.” Hesiod said that then rushed out of the hall.

“Why are you scaring this little fella? Weren’t you the one who sent for him to write your glorious story? Leave the little guy alone.” Gaea said.

“You see that’s why I don’t like the new generation. They have no respect. That’s why I send them back into your womb.” Uranus said.

“Well, as for the hundred-handed ones. I’ll give you that. I had a hard time breast feeding them, and the cyclops, you said they were ugly with one eye and that freaked you out, but my little titans were just perfect. They were beautiful and cute. All with one head and two eyes. I still don’t get it.”

“They’re feisty, rebellious, especially Kronos. I can feel defiance in his eyes. If I let him be, he would take my throne from me at the soonest chance he gets.”

“So, who are you writing this biography for, huh? If you are not going to let any of our children live, who is going to read about your great deeds, if there were any?”

“What did you say? You dare tell me that I don’t have great deeds. You were so lonely before me and now you just want me in your bed all the time. Talk about great deeds.”

“I want in my bed because I want some children to raise, you fool. I’m not so crazy about the way you do it. How would I know. You’re the only man around. No one else to compare to.”

“So, that’s why you want them to live. You are sick and tired of me and you want someone else in your bed.”

“I really don’t get it how far in the future, they call us women naggy. They should come and see you. I bet you nag more than any woman from the future.”

“No, honey. I read about that, too. We will still be as naggy, but it seems men in the future will take control of all sources of mass media and they get to design any stereotypes they want. Genius.”

“Stop that misogynist talk already. Remember who made you.” Gaea said that and left the hall as Uranus called Hesiod back in to continue working on his biography.

“Well, are you ready to continue?” Uranus said to Hesiod.

“Yes, your majesty.” Hesiod said.

“And he spent his days walking in a starry cloak that had a big opening in the front to show the beauty of his gracious body and great balls moving back and forth in the wind to cool them off after a hot night in bed with Gaea, and his gigantic...”

Hesiod continued to write cursing the moment he asked the muses to know the story of creation. The only useful thing he learned was that there was Chaos before Uranus and Gaea, and then everything he heard from Uranus was a nonstop pornographic scene he knew for sure he had to leave out as he was intending on writing a religious book, and none of what Uranus said would make the cut, but he had to keep listening to Uranus bragging about his genitals and sex abilities.

“What the hell are you bragging about? You’re gods. Besides, you’re just two with nothing else to do. I bet you’ve had more practice than the whole human race.” Hesiod thought to himself while he kept on a big smile as he was taking dictation from Uranus.

In Gaea’s Womb

Gaea returned to her womb and had every intention to go on with her plans. Uranus was simply unbearable, and she could not live a day longer without her children.

“Come out my sweet little titans.” Gaea whispered.

Twelve fully grown beautiful specimen came out and all rushed to her as she gathered them all inside her arms in one big hug. Then there were hands everywhere as the hundred-hand ones always craved a family hug.

“What’s up, mom? How’s that bitch treating you?” Kronos said.

“Don’t talk like that about your father.” Gaea said.

“My father. He threw me back in here never to see the light of day again, and you expect me to give him love. I can’t do that. When are we gonna whack that son of a bitch?” Kronos said.

“That’s what happens when I don’t send you to a proper school. Anyway, How many times did I tell you we’re not going to WHACK him; we’re going to hack him with a sickle. I want this son of a bitch castrated. I can’t stand listening to his bragging about his balls anymore. He should have some real balls, like a man. Like you, my boy.” Gaea said.

“That’s dope, ma. I like the plan, and I like the way you think. Just let me out and I will show you who’s man in this family.” Kronos said.

“Well, since your brothers and sisters didn’t say a word, I guess you’re all on board, right?” Gaea said.

“Yeah, Ma.” the eleven other titans all answered as one.

Then Gaea felt hundreds of hands from her three mute monsters, so she turned towards them and said, “Yes, yes, you too; I’ll get you out. Anyway, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since you father put you back inside.”

Gaea then turned back and said to Kronos, “I want you to be ready. I will lure him to bed tonight, and then...”

Kronos interrupted, “What do you mean lure him to bed, ma? He’s always in bed. You’re always doing it. We’re here, remember? The Acoustical advantage is fantastic in here, ma.”

“Alright, alright. When he comes to bed tonight, I will distract him while you get out with that sickle I gave you the other day and I want you to castrate him right away. Don’t take any chances. If he has the chance to get back up on his feet, he will take you down.” Gaea said.

“Cool. Daddy’s sleeping tonight with no balls. That’s dope.” Kronos said.

“Where did you learn to talk like that?” Gaea said.

“Well, you told us ma, your womb holds the seeds to all future generations. Well, I sow some seeds from the future, and out grew some cool kids with loose clothes like that apron my dad wears all the time, and I learned to speak like them.” Kronos said.

“You should have never looked that far into the future. This generation will be the end of me. I know it. Anyway, does everybody know what to do, especially you, Kronos?” Gaea asked.

They all answered as one, “Yes, ma.”

Gaea thought to herself, “Damn it, he taught it to all his brothers and sisters.”

In Gaea and Uranus’ Bedchamber

“Come closer. Don’t you miss me, already?” Gaea said.

“How can I miss anyone else? You’re the only woman alive in this world.” Uranus said laughing and he went on to do it, again.

“Now boys, now!” Gaea shouted.

Out of her womb came Kronos in full glory... and baggy pants... with his sickle held tightly in his hands. He struck it once and down came his father’s genitals, and Uranus’ great balls were great no more.

“What have you done; you fool?” Uranus screamed in agony.

“Dad, from these balls I came and to these balls I should return.” Kronos said laughing.

All Kronos’ brothers and sisters followed, even the hundred-handed ones. They also called the cyclops back from Tartarus to come and see their dying father. They all rejoiced their freedom once again and all hailed Kronos as their king.

“You hear me now, boy, and you hear me well, for in the same way you judge others, you shall be judged. Curse you and curse all you brothers and sisters. Your own offspring will take power right from your hands and will throw you down into the abyss.” Uranus said these words and said no more.

“Yeah, yeah dad. Do you really think I’m a fool like you? Don’t ever trust a woman’s womb to hold your kids forever. One day, they will all come out. I have better plans.” Kronos whispered in his dead father’s ears.

That night, they all celebrated and had a great feast, in which Kronos chose his sister Rhea as his wife and ruled as king of all beings, the titans and everybody else.